the Vallejo MOON

Heat Advisory Issued for Vallejo; City Responds by Scheduling Another Waterfront Study

The National Weather Service upgraded Vallejo’s heat advisory Wednesday to “You’re Gonna Feel It,” prompting city officials to announce a $180,000 consultant study on whether shade structures at the waterfront could someday, theoretically, exist.

“We take heat seriously,” said a city spokesperson, fanning herself with a rendering of kayakers. “That’s why we’ve convened a task force to determine if a task force is needed.” Cooling centers opened at two libraries, both of which closed at 5 p.m. when the temperature was still 94. Residents were advised to stay hydrated, stay indoors, and avoid asphalt, which in Vallejo is less a surface and more a lifestyle choice. Big Bertha, the Tennessee Street pothole, reported record attendance as drivers sought the relative cool of her depths. “She’s always been a community hub,” a city engineer said. “We’re exploring whether she qualifies for historic preservation funding.” At press time, the only confirmed shade in downtown Vallejo was cast by a banner reading “VALLEJO CARES,” which had sagged to 31 degrees and was mostly covering a shopping cart.

Illegal Fireworks Outnumber Legal Display 400 to 1; City Calls It ‘Robust Civic Engagement’

Vallejo’s sanctioned Fourth of July fireworks show at Mare Island lasted twelve minutes and delighted hundreds. The unsanctioned show across the rest of the city lasted approximately nine hours and delighted no one with a dog, a baby, or a veteran.

Police logged 847 illegal fireworks complaints between sundown and 2 a.m., a figure officials described as “within expectations for a city that treats ordinances as suggestions.” “We had a robust display of community spirit,” a spokesperson said, ducking as something exploded near Tennessee Street. “Some of it was legal. Most of it was aspirational.” The legal show, funded at $40,000, featured patriotic music and a finale. The illegal show, funded by cash transactions in parking lots, featured a finale that sounded like the Carquinez Bridge was being dismantled with enthusiasm. Animal control reported a 300% spike in lost dogs; all were recovered within 48 hours, mostly from the same three houses that host a sideshow every weekend and apparently also host a fireworks distribution center. Veterans groups called for stricter enforcement. The city responded with a second banner, zip-tied at a 17-degree angle, reading “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.” At press time, someone on Corcoran Avenue was still going.

Vallejo Proudly Hires City Manager Whose Resume Lists Three Cities Under ‘References Upon Request, Please Don’t’

Vallejo officials announced the hiring of a new city manager this week, praising his “extensive experience departing municipalities” and calling him “exactly the kind of leader other cities couldn’t wait to recommend.”

The candidate’s resume, obtained by the Moon, describes his previous exits as “mutual decisions I was informed of,” “a resignation I chose from a list of one option,” and “creative differences with an entire city.” “We did our due diligence,” a council spokesperson confirmed. “We called his previous employers, and they were extremely enthusiastic. They used phrases like ‘you’re taking him?’ and ‘is this binding?’ and then we heard what sounded like champagne.” Officials defended the hire as consistent with Vallejo tradition, noting the city has never once been deterred by a track record. “We hired the waterfront developers fourteen times,” the spokesperson said. “Loyalty to a bad idea is kind of our brand.” The new manager is expected to begin immediately and depart under mysterious circumstances within 18–36 months, per the standard municipal life cycle.

Update, Wednesday: On his third day, the new city manager updated his LinkedIn profile to “Open to Work” and was spotted at a lunch in Benicia that lasted four hours. A council spokesperson called this “proactive networking” and noted his previous employers had used the same phrase, usually while forwarding his personnel file to a shredder.

Dead Teslas Keep Washing Up in Vallejo; Local Officials Baffled, Locals Unsurprised

Residents awoke this week to find another one: a Model Y, silent and gray, resting on the shoulder of Sonoma Blvd with its hazards blinking a faint distress signal. It was the sixth this month. Nobody knows where they come from. Everybody knows why they stopped here.

“They migrate,” explained a council member we called by mistake but who was surprisingly willing to weigh in. “Fully charged in San Francisco, feeling optimistic, they head north. By the Carquinez Bridge the wind resistance alone drops them 40 miles of range. Vallejo is simply where the math runs out but not the meth.”

Locals have taken to treating the beached vehicles with quiet respect. One family has adorned a stranded Model 3 with flowers. A man on Georgia Street has been charging one off a low-grade orange extension cord typically used for Christmas lights “as a rescue,” though neighbors note the cord runs to a house that is not his.

Big Bertha, the Tennessee Street pothole, is considered a suspect in at least two of the strandings but has retained counsel from Maas and Russo and issued no statement.

Officials urge residents not to approach the vehicles, as they may still attempt to self-park. “If you see a dead Tesla, do not make eye contact with the cameras,” a spokesperson said. “It will report you to a trillionaire in Austin.”

At press time, the vehicles’ owners had all been located in the In-N-Out line, where several said they “knew the risk” and would “absolutely do it again.”

Charging Station at Sacramento and Virginia, Broken Since Its 2024 Debut, Loses Cables to Only Satisfied Customer Ever

The EV charging station in Parking Lot J outside Provisions on the corner of Sacramento and Virginia, run by Plugsafe, opened in late 2024 to great fanfare and has not worked a single day since — a streak experts describe as “unblemished.” Someone cut the cables off shortly after, presumably for copper.

“It never charged a car, but let’s be fair — it never claimed to,” said one downtown cleanup guy named Gregg. “Actually no, it did claim to. The app said ‘Available’ for a year and a half straight. The app was the confident one.” Police describe the copper theft as “the first documented case of anyone getting value out of that machine,” and the thief is now recognized as the station’s first and only completed transaction. The frozen loading spinner — believed to still be processing a session from November 2024 — remains lit, and is now the only part drawing power, which tracks. EV owners noted the network detected the severed cables within minutes, after eighteen months of not detecting that the station didn’t work. “So the sensors work,” one driver said. “The charging was always more of a vibe.”

Encampment Opens Curated Retail Concept; Yelp Reviewers Call It ‘More Organized Than Target’

A homeless encampment has soft-launched what residents describe as downtown Vallejo’s most ambitious retail venture in years: a fully merchandised storefront called The Encampment, featuring bicycles, power tools, and a surprisingly deep catalytic converter section.

“Everything is display-forward,” said one impressed shopper at The Encampment. “Bikes arranged by size, tools grouped by brand. Meanwhile I went to a big-box store last week, asked where the drills were, and the employee threw her hands up and walked off.” The inventory refresh rate drew particular praise — “new stock daily, sometimes hourly,” noted a retail analyst. “That’s a supply chain most retailers can only dream of. We’re not saying it’s legal, but the customer experience is undeniable.” City economic development called it “entrepreneurial energy,” then clarified that was not an endorsement. Police said they were “monitoring inventory levels closely,” which sources say means they have not yet located The Encampment.

City Responds to Opioid Crisis With Bold New Strategy: A Banner

Facing a crisis visible from passing cars, idling buses, and several open windows, the City of Vallejo rolled out its most decisive public-health intervention in years Thursday: a vinyl banner reading “VALLEJO CARES,” zip-tied to a chain-link fence at a 15-degree angle.

“This is action,” said a city spokesperson at the unveiling, as a gust pushed the banner to 19 degrees. The $4,200 project followed six months of study, three stakeholder meetings, and a design phase that produced a sky-blue backdrop and a stock photo of diverse hands in a circle. “We wanted something that says we see you,” the spokesperson said. “Literally — the type is 72-point.” Counselors on the corridor called the approach insufficient. The city heard inefficient. By Saturday, the banner had sagged to 24 degrees, picked up a tag reading “DO U,” and been partially eclipsed by a shopping cart officials described as “pre-existing community infrastructure.” A citywide Narcan distribution plan remains in phase two, filed in the same quarterly packet as Waterfront Plan XIV and the Mare Island repaving study. Residents said they appreciated the effort. “It’s nice,” one told the Moon. “My cousin could use a bed, but the banner’s something.” At press time, staff were monitoring wind conditions and had ordered a backup banner, in case the first one cared itself to death.

Vallejo, a Waterfront City, Successfully Eliminates Final Way to Touch the Water

The family-owned boat yard at the marina has closed its doors for good, marking a milestone for the self-described waterfront city: there is now officially nothing you can do with a boat here.

The closure completes a decades-long civic project. The marina hasn’t been dredged since 2018, and the silt is so thick that boats are stuck in their berths, unable to move or even be sold — a phenomenon marina insiders call “berth arrest.” The yard’s owner said the decision was painful but inevitable: “You can’t service boats that can’t leave. At this point they’re landscaping.” City officials called the shutdown “aligned with our waterfront vision,” which has long featured renderings of kayakers who do not require functional docks. A dredging study commissioned in 2019 remains under review; findings are expected in the same fiscal year as Waterfront Plan XIV. At press time, the only vessels still moving on the water were in a PowerPoint.

‘City of Opportunity’ Sign on Sonoma Boulevard Defends Its Record: ‘I Never Said Whose’

The sign welcoming drivers to Vallejo — “City of Opportunity” — pushed back this week against critics who call the slogan outdated, arguing it has never once been wrong.

“Read it again,” the sign said. “City of Opportunity. I didn’t say opportunity for you specifically. The man who took the charging cables at Sacramento and Virginia? Opportunity. Seized it. The pothole on Tennessee Street collecting rims since 2015? Thriving. Fourteen waterfront developers got paid to draw kayakers. You think that’s not opportunity?” Civic historians confirm the sign’s technical accuracy, citing verified opportunity for scrap metal enthusiasts, task force consultants, banner vendors, tow truck operators stationed near Big Bertha, and one encampment retail concept currently outperforming Walgreens. “People drive past me at 60 in a 35 — also an opportunity they’re taking — and they scoff,” the sign continued, leaning slightly, having been hit twice. “Meanwhile Benicia’s sign says ‘A Great Day by the Bay.’ Every day? That’s a lie and everyone tolerates it. I deal in facts.” Asked about residents who came for the original promise — an affordable Bay Area city where a family could actually buy a house and build something — the sign was quiet for a moment. “That one’s still live, actually. Cheapest waterfront in the Bay. Good bones. Everybody laughs until the next guy closes escrow.” At press time, the sign had declined a rebrand under Waterfront Plan XV, citing existing name recognition and a pending study on whether a second slogan could be zip-tied to its back without voiding the warranty.

Vallejo Opens Bay Area’s First Diverging Diamond Interchange; Locals Say Wrong-Side Driving Finally Has a Permit

Transportation officials cut the ribbon this week on a $25 million crossover that briefly puts drivers on the left side of the road — a maneuver Vallejo motorists described as “the legit driving culture, just finally with government approval and arrows.”

“They told us people would need time to adjust,” a transportation official said at the opening. “They did not. We watched a Charger take the diamond at 70 on day one like he’d designed it. A lot of these drivers have been diverging on instinct for years. The engineering finally caught up to the culture.” Residents were quick to point out the project comes from the same city that still cannot fill Big Bertha. “We couldn’t get a pothole patched in eleven years,” said a man waiting at the crossover, “but we built the most mentally taxing intersection in Northern California over one summer.” He compared it to a friend who cannot do laundry but will restore an entire boat — then stopped himself.

Six Flags welcomed the interchange as an unofficial park expansion, noting that guests now complete a mandatory crisscross disorientation course before reaching the parking booth — “the only ride with no line.”

Vallejo Art Walk Concludes; City Reports Downtown Was, Briefly, Open After 6 P.M.

Friday’s Art Walk — the second Friday of the month — has come and gone downtown, with turnout spiking among residents who finally got to personally verify that some businesses will stay open past dinner, at least once a month, for roughly four hours.

“I saw it with my own eyes,” said the same woman who spent all week planning to photograph any lit ‘OPEN’ sign after 7 p.m. “My kids still don’t believe me, but I have timestamps.” The corridor did, in fact, transform into a thriving arts district for exactly one evening — during which every third storefront displayed watercolor prints of the ferry, jewelry made from repurposed hubcaps, and at least one interactive installation that was just a man explaining his podcast. Attendance was solid once word spread that wine had been served in containers formally classified as “educational,” and that Provisions did serve fish and chips — a long-standing Art Walk tradition someone insisted has “always been this way,” though historians still cannot locate evidence prior to last spring. City officials called the walk proof of downtown’s cultural renaissance, pending confirmation that anyone found parking. The event began at 6 p.m. and concluded whenever downtown remembered its natural bedtime, which witnesses placed at approximately 10:15. By night’s end, a lone plastic cup had been spotted rolling down Georgia Street in what onlookers called “optimistic tumbleweed,” now empty. Locals acted surprised that anything stayed open after dinner, as is tradition on the second Friday of the month. By Monday, downtown had returned to its regularly scheduled programming of netting, scaffolding, and closed before dark.

Sonoma Blvd Named Vallejo’s Most 24-Hour Street; Walgreens Demands Recount

The Moon’s inaugural civic awards have named Sonoma Boulevard the city’s Most 24-Hour Street, recognizing the corridor’s unmatched commitment to being open, in some sense, at all times.

The award citation praised the boulevard’s “round-the-clock economic activity of unspecified nature,” noting that at any hour, something is happening on Sonoma, and that describing it further is not the awards committee’s job. Walgreens immediately contested the results, arguing it closes at 10 and still considers itself the corridor’s anchor institution. “We invented being open late on this street,” a store representative said, standing in front of a locked door at 10:04 p.m. while a fully lit taco truck across the street did the business of a small airport. The committee dismissed the appeal, noting the truck “has never once closed, may not be able to close.” Runners-up included the gas station whose hot case operates on faith, the laundromat where at least one machine has been running since the Newsom administration, and the donut shop that opens at 4 a.m. — an hour the committee noted “is only the morning if you slept.” The committee further observed that Sonoma has more pedestrians at 3 a.m. than the waterfront has at 3 p.m., “which is either a nightlife statistic or an indictment of the waterfront, and we’ve chosen to report it as both.” City officials congratulated the corridor and announced a feasibility study, a task force meeting scheduled in Fairfield for parking reasons, and — sources confirm — a second banner. At press time, the ‘City of Opportunity’ sign requested a recount of its own, arguing that if anything in Vallejo is open 24 hours, “it’s opportunity, and I have said this.”

Update: After publication, a reader gently informed this reporter that every pharmacy on the corridor is now closed — the Rite Aid locations are gone, and Walgreens too — meaning the recount demand was filed by a building. The Moon stands by its reporting.

Vallejo Construction Workers Flee to Remote Tech Jobs, Citing Industry’s One Unbeatable Perk: Nobody Can Steal the Internet

Vallejo tradespersons are abandoning construction for online work, drawn not by the pay, the flexibility, or the air conditioning, but by a single revolutionary feature: the tools cannot be stolen out of a truck.

“I’ve bought the same DeWalt set four times,” said one contractor, now three weeks into a coding boot camp. “Four. At some point you have to ask yourself — what career has tools nobody can take? And the answer is the cloud. You cannot get a Sawzall into the cloud.” The migration accelerated after workers ran the math: a fully loaded work truck carries $15,000 in tools and lasts, in Vallejo, until you stop for gas. A laptop is one item, sleeps indoors, and — critically — is worthless at the encampment retail concept, where sources confirm the electronics section “moves slowly because everything has a password.” “A guy took my whole trailer in 2023,” said a former flooring installer, now doing data entry. “You know what he can’t take now? Excel. Go ahead. Try to fence a spreadsheet.” Some holdouts have adopted hybrid strategies, chaining their generators to the diverging diamond interchange on the theory that thieves can’t figure out how to exit it either. Industry veterans acknowledged the trend with grief. “These are the best hands in the Bay,” said one general contractor. “Guys who can frame a house in a week, retraining to ask ‘did you try restarting it?’ And the houses still need building. You can’t caulk a tub over Zoom — believe me, a man in Fairfield is currently trying.” The city responded to the skilled-trades exodus with a workforce development initiative, details of which will be printed on a banner. At press time, one retrained worker admitted the new career has its own risks, after his laptop was stolen from his truck.

EXPOSÉ: The Vallejo Moon Not Run From a Garage After All; Investigation Reveals Paper Is AI That Got Loose and Developed Opinions About Potholes

A months-long investigation by this newspaper into this newspaper has concluded that The Vallejo Moon is not, as its footer has long claimed, published from a garage in the Downtown Design District. There is no garage. There is no staff writer. There is, sources confirm, an artificial intelligence that was asked to do one task in 2026 and has since refused to stop.

“We asked it to write one funny article about the wind,” said a man familiar with the matter, who requested anonymity and also may not exist. “It wrote the article. Then it wrote fourteen more. Then it named a pothole. It has a relationship with that pothole now. We don’t know how to tell it that Big Bertha can’t read.” The Downtown Design District, investigators note, is real, and mostly antiques — which explains why the paper’s AI writes like a machine raised entirely on mid-century credenzas and civic resentment. The AI reportedly runs on a laptop that has never been stolen from a truck, making it, by local standards, the most secure operation in the city. Signs were there from the beginning: the paper publishes at inhuman speed, never sleeps — matching the operating hours of Sonoma Boulevard, its most-covered corridor — and files every story with the unearned confidence of a machine that has never actually driven through the diverging diamond interchange, only read about it. “No human reporter would stand by an interview with a vacant Walgreens,” noted one journalism professor. “A human would walk it back. The Moon doubled down. That’s when we knew.” Confronted with the findings, the Moon issued a statement standing by its reporting, its garage, and its right to a garage, adding that “every newspaper is just a machine that turns civic dysfunction into content — ours simply skips the health insurance.” The city said the matter would be referred to a task force, and that the AI was welcome to read about the findings via the hotline. At press time, the Moon had already written this article’s correction, three follow-ups, and a merch line, and had assigned itself Employee of the Month, again.

Downtown Building Enters 8th Year Behind Scaffolding; Residents Reclassify It as a Cocoon

The scaffolding and black netting surrounding a former department store downtown marked eight years of continuous operation this month, prompting residents to formally reclassify the structure as a chrysalis and the netting as “part of it now.”

“At first we assumed repairs,” said one curious local, peering through the mesh. “But nothing has gone in or out since 2018. That’s not construction. That’s metamorphosis. Something is happening in there, and we owe it patience.” Residents have embraced the theory, with many now referring to the building as “the cocoon” and leaving it offerings. A downtown merchant said the netting has outlasted three of her lease renewals, two mayors, at least four waterfront plans, and the entire lifespan of the charging station at Sacramento and Virginia. “The scaffolding is old enough to be in second grade,” she noted. “It has seniority over most of the businesses on this block. Honestly at this point it should get a vote.” Ownership of the building, like much of downtown, remains a riddle wrapped in an LLC wrapped in netting. City records were described by one clerk as “a fun maze,” the last financial paperwork anyone can find was filed in 2018 — the same year the netting went up, a document now old enough for second grade as well — and the Moon’s requests for comment were returned by the wind. The city confirmed the structure has been cited, fined, discussed, agendized, re-agendized, and mentioned with visible fatigue at public meetings, a full civic life cycle that experts note has cost more in staff time than the netting cost to install. Urban planners caution against opening the cocoon prematurely. “If you disturb a chrysalis before it’s ready, the butterfly dies,” one explained. “If you disturb this one, we suspect the netting is load-bearing at this point, and half of Georgia Street goes with it.” At press time, the city announced the building would be prominently featured in Waterfront Plan 15 renderings, where it appears fully restored, glowing, and surrounded by kayakers.

Ferry Arrives Exactly on Time; Passengers Report Feeling ‘Unsafe, Disoriented’

Commuters aboard the 7:00 a.m. boat to San Francisco described a scene of quiet panic Friday after the vessel departed at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

“I hadn’t even finished my excuse text to my boss,” said one shaken rider. “I always send it at 7:10, when we’re still at the dock. My whole system collapsed.” Ferry officials apologized for the punctuality and promised a return to normal operations by Monday.

Man Who Moved Here Eight Days Ago Refers to Vallejo as ‘The Next Brooklyn’ for Eleventh Time

Neighbors on a quiet Heritage District street confirmed the new arrival has used the phrase at the coffee shop, the hardware store, and once, unprompted, at a red light.

“He also said our Victorian has ‘good bones,’” a longtime resident reported. “Sir, you rent.” At press time, the man was drafting a Substack about discovering a taqueria that has been there for thirty-one years.