Civic Progress
City Unveils 14th Waterfront Revitalization Plan, Confident This Is Absolutely The One
By Staff Writer (Our Only One)
Officials gathered Thursday to announce a bold new vision for the Vallejo waterfront, featuring mixed-use development, a promenade, and renderings of people who do not exist enjoying restaurants that will never open.
“Plans one through thirteen were merely practice,” said a city spokesperson, gesturing at an artist’s rendering featuring seventeen kayakers and a jazz trio. “Plan fourteen has something the others lacked: a slightly different font.” Groundbreaking is scheduled for whenever, with completion expected shortly after the heat death of the universe. Residents were invited to share feedback, which will be printed, laminated, and lovingly ignored.
Transit
Ferry Arrives Exactly On Time; Passengers Report Feeling ‘Unsafe, Disoriented’
By The Ferry Desk
Commuters aboard the 7:00 a.m. boat to San Francisco described a scene of quiet panic Friday after the vessel departed at 7:00 a.m.
“I hadn’t even finished my excuse text to my boss,” said one shaken rider. “I always send it at 7:10, when we’re still at the dock. My whole system collapsed.” Ferry officials apologized for the punctuality and promised a return to normal operations by Monday.
Real Estate
Man Who Moved Here Eight Days Ago Refers to Vallejo as ‘The Next Brooklyn’ for Eleventh Time
By The Gentrification Bureau
Neighbors on a quiet Heritage District street confirmed the new arrival has used the phrase at the coffee shop, the hardware store, and once, unprompted, at a red light.
“He also said our Victorian has ‘good bones,’” a longtime resident reported. “Sir, you rent.” At press time, the man was drafting a Substack about discovering a taqueria that has been there for thirty-one years.
Wildlife
Six Flags Tiger Files Formal Noise Complaint Against Adjacent Roller Coaster
The complaint, submitted in claw, alleges “sustained screaming, 10 a.m. to dusk, daily.” Park officials countered that the tiger “knew what this neighborhood was when it moved in.”
Public Safety
Sideshow Organizers Request Recognition as City’s Most Reliable Weekend Programming
“We have never once been cancelled, delayed, or defunded,” said a spokesperson doing figure-eights. “Can the farmers market say that? It cannot.”
Sports
Pickup Basketball Game at Blue Rock Springs Enters Third Consecutive Hour of Arguing One Foul Call
Witnesses say the ball has not been touched since 2:40 p.m. “That’s ball, and everyone here knows it,” said a man who was not involved in the play.
Business
Contractor Quotes Kitchen Remodel; Homeowner Counters With ‘My Cousin Can Do It’
The cousin, reached for comment, was unaware of the project, the homeowner, and, sources say, the concept of a permit. Follow-up expected in eight months when the cousin vanishes at drywall stage.