the Vallejo MOON

Heat Advisory Issued for Vallejo; City Responds by Scheduling Another Waterfront Study

The National Weather Service upgraded Vallejo’s heat advisory Wednesday to “You’re Gonna Feel It,” prompting city officials to announce a $180,000 consultant study on whether shade structures at the waterfront could someday, theoretically, exist.

“We take heat seriously,” said a city spokesperson, fanning herself with a rendering of kayakers. “That’s why we’ve convened a task force to determine if a task force is needed.” Cooling centers opened at two libraries, both of which closed at 5 p.m. when the temperature was still 94. Residents were advised to stay hydrated, stay indoors, and avoid asphalt, which in Vallejo is less a surface and more a lifestyle choice. Big Bertha, the Tennessee Street pothole, reported record attendance as drivers sought the relative cool of her depths. “She’s always been a community hub,” a city engineer said. “We’re exploring whether she qualifies for historic preservation funding.” At press time, the only confirmed shade in downtown Vallejo was cast by a banner reading “VALLEJO CARES,” which had sagged to 31 degrees and was mostly covering a shopping cart.

Illegal Fireworks Outnumber Legal Display 400 to 1; City Calls It ‘Robust Civic Engagement’

Vallejo’s sanctioned Fourth of July fireworks show at Mare Island lasted twelve minutes and delighted hundreds. The unsanctioned show across the rest of the city lasted approximately nine hours and delighted no one with a dog, a baby, or a veteran.

Police logged 847 illegal fireworks complaints between sundown and 2 a.m., a figure officials described as “within expectations for a city that treats ordinances as suggestions.” “We had a robust display of community spirit,” a spokesperson said, ducking as something exploded near Tennessee Street. “Some of it was legal. Most of it was aspirational.” The legal show, funded at $40,000, featured patriotic music and a finale. The illegal show, funded by cash transactions in parking lots, featured a finale that sounded like the Carquinez Bridge was being dismantled with enthusiasm. Animal control reported a 300% spike in lost dogs; all were recovered within 48 hours, mostly from the same three houses that host a sideshow every weekend and apparently also host a fireworks distribution center. Veterans groups called for stricter enforcement. The city responded with a second banner, zip-tied at a 17-degree angle, reading “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.” At press time, someone on Corcoran Avenue was still going.

Vallejo Proudly Hires City Manager Whose Resume Lists Three Cities Under ‘References Upon Request, Please Don’t’

Vallejo officials announced the hiring of a new city manager this week, praising his “extensive experience departing municipalities” and calling him “exactly the kind of leader other cities couldn’t wait to recommend.”

The candidate’s resume, obtained by the Moon, describes his previous exits as “mutual decisions I was informed of,” “a resignation I chose from a list of one option,” and “creative differences with an entire city.” “We did our due diligence,” a council spokesperson confirmed. “We called his previous employers, and they were extremely enthusiastic. They used phrases like ‘you’re taking him?’ and ‘is this binding?’ and then we heard what sounded like champagne.” Officials defended the hire as consistent with Vallejo tradition, noting the city has never once been deterred by a track record. “We hired the waterfront developers fourteen times,” the spokesperson said. “Loyalty to a bad idea is kind of our brand.” The new manager is expected to begin immediately and depart under mysterious circumstances within 18–36 months, per the standard municipal life cycle.

Update, Wednesday: On his third day, the new city manager updated his LinkedIn profile to “Open to Work” and was spotted at a lunch in Benicia that lasted four hours. A council spokesperson called this “proactive networking” and noted his previous employers had used the same phrase, usually while forwarding his personnel file to a shredder.

Dead Teslas Keep Washing Up in Vallejo; Local Officials Baffled, Locals Unsurprised

Residents awoke this week to find another one: a Model Y, silent and gray, resting on the shoulder of Sonoma Blvd with its hazards blinking a faint distress signal. It was the sixth this month. Nobody knows where they come from. Everybody knows why they stopped here.

“They migrate,” explained a council member we called by mistake but who was surprisingly willing to weigh in. “Fully charged in San Francisco, feeling optimistic, they head north. By the Carquinez Bridge the wind resistance alone drops them 40 miles of range. Vallejo is simply where the math runs out but not the meth.”

Locals have taken to treating the beached vehicles with quiet respect. One family has adorned a stranded Model 3 with flowers. A man on Georgia Street has been charging one off a low-grade orange extension cord typically used for Christmas lights “as a rescue,” though neighbors note the cord runs to a house that is not his.

Big Bertha, the Tennessee Street pothole, is considered a suspect in at least two of the strandings but has retained counsel from Maas and Russo and issued no statement.

Officials urge residents not to approach the vehicles, as they may still attempt to self-park. “If you see a dead Tesla, do not make eye contact with the cameras,” a spokesperson said. “It will report you to a trillionaire in Austin.”

At press time, the vehicles’ owners had all been located in the In-N-Out line, where several said they “knew the risk” and would “absolutely do it again.”

Charging Station at Sacramento and Virginia, Broken Since Its 2024 Debut, Loses Cables to Only Satisfied Customer Ever

The EV charging station in Parking Lot J outside of Provisions on the corner of Sacramento and Virginia, run by Plugsafe, opened in late 2024 to great fanfare and has not worked a single day since — a streak experts describe as “unblemished.” Someone cut the cables off shortly after, presumably for copper.

“It never charged a car, but let’s be fair — it never claimed to,” said one downtown cleanup guy named Gregg. “Actually no, it did claim to. The app said ‘Available’ for a year and a half straight. The app was the confident one.” Police describe the copper theft as “the first documented case of anyone getting value out of that machine,” and the thief is now recognized as the station’s first and only completed transaction. The frozen loading spinner — believed to still be processing a session from November 2024 — remains lit, and is now the only part drawing power, which tracks. EV owners noted the network detected the severed cables within minutes, after eighteen months of not detecting that the station didn’t work. “So the sensors work,” one driver said. “The charging was always more of a vibe.”

Encampment Opens Curated Retail Concept; Yelp Reviewers Call It ‘More Organized Than Target’

A homeless encampment has soft-launched what residents describe as downtown Vallejo’s most ambitious retail venture in years: a fully merchandised storefront called The Encampment, featuring bicycles, power tools, and a surprisingly deep catalytic converter section.

“Everything is display-forward,” said one impressed shopper at The Encampment. “Bikes arranged by size, tools grouped by brand. Meanwhile I went to a big-box store last week, asked where the drills were, and the employee threw her hands up and walked off.” The inventory refresh rate drew particular praise — “new stock daily, sometimes hourly,” noted a retail analyst. “That’s a supply chain most retailers can only dream of. We’re not saying it’s legal, but the customer experience is undeniable.” City economic development called it “entrepreneurial energy,” then clarified that was not an endorsement. Police said they were “monitoring inventory levels closely,” which sources say means they have not yet located The Encampment.

City Responds to Opioid Crisis With Bold New Strategy: A Banner

Facing a crisis visible from passing cars, idling buses, and several open windows, the City of Vallejo rolled out its most decisive public-health intervention in years Thursday: a vinyl banner reading “VALLEJO CARES,” zip-tied to a chain-link fence at a 15-degree angle.

“This is action,” said a city spokesperson at the unveiling, as a gust pushed the banner to 19 degrees. The $4,200 project followed six months of study, three stakeholder meetings, and a design phase that produced a sky-blue backdrop and a stock photo of diverse hands in a circle. “We wanted something that says we see you,” the spokesperson said. “Literally — the type is 72-point.” Counselors on the corridor called the approach insufficient. The city heard efficient. By Saturday, the banner had sagged to 24 degrees, picked up a tag reading “DO U,” and been partially eclipsed by a shopping cart officials described as “pre-existing community infrastructure.” A citywide Narcan distribution plan remains in phase two, filed in the same quarterly packet as Waterfront Plan XIV and the Mare Island repaving study. Residents said they appreciated the effort. “It’s nice,” one told the Moon. “My cousin could use a bed, but the banner’s something.” At press time, staff were monitoring wind conditions and had ordered a backup banner, in case the first one cared itself to death.

Vallejo, a Waterfront City, Successfully Eliminates Final Way to Touch the Water

The family-owned boat yard at the marina has closed its doors for good, marking a milestone for the self-described waterfront city: there is now officially nothing you can do with a boat here.

The closure completes a decades-long civic project. The marina hasn’t been dredged since 2018, and the silt is so thick that boats are stuck in their berths, unable to move or even be sold — a phenomenon marina insiders call “berth arrest.” The yard’s owner said the decision was painful but inevitable: “You can’t service boats that can’t leave. At this point they’re landscaping.” City officials called the shutdown “aligned with our waterfront vision,” which has long featured renderings of kayakers who do not require functional docks. A dredging study commissioned in 2019 remains under review; findings are expected in the same fiscal year as Waterfront Plan XIV. At press time, the only vessels still moving on the water were in a PowerPoint.

‘City of Opportunity’ Sign on Sonoma Boulevard Defends Its Record: ‘I Never Said Whose’

The sign welcoming drivers to Vallejo — “City of Opportunity” — pushed back this week against critics who call the slogan outdated, arguing it has never once been wrong.

“Read it again,” the sign said. “City of Opportunity. I didn’t say opportunity for you specifically. The man who took the charging cables at Sacramento and Virginia? Opportunity. Seized it. The pothole on Tennessee Street collecting rims since 2015? Thriving. Fourteen waterfront developers got paid to draw kayakers. You think that’s not opportunity?” Civic historians confirm the sign’s technical accuracy, citing verified opportunity for scrap metal enthusiasts, task force consultants, banner vendors, tow truck operators stationed near Big Bertha, and one encampment retail concept currently outperforming Walgreens. “People drive past me at 60 in a 35 — also an opportunity they’re taking — and they scoff,” the sign continued, leaning slightly, having been hit twice. “Meanwhile Benicia’s sign says ‘A Great Day by the Bay.’ Every day? That’s a lie and everyone tolerates it. I deal in facts.” Asked about residents who came for the original promise — an affordable Bay Area city where a family could actually buy a house and build something — the sign was quiet for a moment. “That one’s still live, actually. Cheapest waterfront in the Bay. Good bones. Everybody laughs until the next guy closes escrow.” At press time, the sign had declined a rebrand under Waterfront Plan XV, citing existing name recognition and a pending study on whether a second slogan could be zip-tied to its back without voiding the warranty.

Vallejo Opens Bay Area’s First Diverging Diamond Interchange; Locals Say Wrong-Side Driving Finally Has a Permit

Transportation officials cut the ribbon this week on a $25 million crossover that briefly puts drivers on the left side of the road — a maneuver Vallejo motorists described as “the legit driving culture, just finally with government approval and arrows.”

“They told us people would need time to adjust,” a transportation official said at the opening. “They did not. We watched a Charger take the diamond at 70 on day one like he’d designed it. A lot of these drivers have been diverging on instinct for years. The engineering finally caught up to the culture.” Residents were quick to point out the project comes from the same city that still cannot fill Big Bertha. “We couldn’t get a pothole patched in eleven years,” said a man waiting at the crossover, “but we built the most mentally taxing intersection in Northern California over one summer.” He compared it to a friend who cannot do laundry but will restore an entire boat — then stopped himself.

Six Flags welcomed the interchange as an unofficial park expansion, noting that guests now complete a mandatory crisscross disorientation course before reaching the parking booth — “the only ride with no line.”

Ferry Arrives Exactly on Time; Passengers Report Feeling ‘Unsafe, Disoriented’

Commuters aboard the 7:00 a.m. boat to San Francisco described a scene of quiet panic Friday after the vessel departed at 7:00 a.m. sharp.

“I hadn’t even finished my excuse text to my boss,” said one shaken rider. “I always send it at 7:10, when we’re still at the dock. My whole system collapsed.” Ferry officials apologized for the punctuality and promised a return to normal operations by Monday.

Man Who Moved Here Eight Days Ago Refers to Vallejo as ‘The Next Brooklyn’ for Eleventh Time

Neighbors on a quiet Heritage District street confirmed the new arrival has used the phrase at the coffee shop, the hardware store, and once, unprompted, at a red light.

“He also said our Victorian has ‘good bones,’” a longtime resident reported. “Sir, you rent.” At press time, the man was drafting a Substack about discovering a taqueria that has been there for thirty-one years.